Touchstone Pictures (DVD) ASIN: B000AWYOGE

This movie achieves the effect of an insufferable party. We encounter one drip after another. Jennifer Connolly wears a big "Kick Me!" sign -- and her daughter complies. A cheesy landlord (John C. Reilly) and sloppy plumber (Pete Postlethwaite) also exploit Mom. The story depends on the oldest sexist drivel: a woman who can't recognize evil unless it's wearing a King Kong suit.

In this picture, a shark would be a cheerful addition. First, it would create movement -- you know, those circles that build genuine tension? This chick keeps lying on a double bed under a deteriorating ceiling. She never worries that her landlord should be selling snake-oil in a carnival. "We will paint all this," he promises. Paint does not cover poisonous plumbing leaks that ripple plaster. Does this damsel-in-distress need a degree in Paint-ology to grasp what will land on her nose -- and swamp her future?

Second, a shark would convey a clear sense of direction for this film. He goes that way. You go the other way. Is that clear enough? Instead, Ms. Sucker married a guy (Dougray Scott) who does not cherish her beauty. Her porcelain skin and brunette portrait constantly loom before us like commercials for Ivory Soap and Clairol hair coloring. Does she respect this natural endowment? Nope. Her horoscope should read: supportive associates exist, Honey, but you gotta seek before you find.

Third, a shark needs a good bopping on the nose occasionally. That way lies hope -- but absolutely no guarantees. The primary male characters here need at least one of these three challenges delivered very firmly by Ms. Dew Eyes: 1) Some variation on that word that every two-year old keeps repeating: "NO!" 2) Confirmation that this female character really means to control the independent life she claims, 3) A head-start on the exit. If she will neither negotiate nor confront adults, she can expect her daughter to give her a serious case of the willies.

So, sharks, yes, I'm ready for them. Their motivations are never mysterious. Their fins cut like a saber through sewage. Their sensory organs put ours to shame. One of the most primeval species in the animal kingdom could clean up this Dark Water faster than anyone could yell, "Help!"

To keep Rosemary's Baby, Omen, and all those other pictures that prey on parental anxieties at bay, why not plan a shark party? The whole family can join in the fun. If you can't wait for the Discovery Channel's next shark fest, try the Monterey Bay Aquarium's live shark cam. It certainly provides more fun facts (e.g., cat sharks see in the dark just like their namesakes) and genuine shivers than this non-exercise in terror.

Meg Curtis

Meg Curtis leads a triple life as a creative writer, a college professor and a medievalist. From western New York, she gained insights into wildlife and spiritualism. In Appalachia, she learned to love America's oldest mountains. She has settled happily, with three southern cats and a basset hound named Mr. Willoughby, in Freemansburg, Pennsylvania.

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