I hate to say,
"I told you so." I prefer, "Neener, neener, neener!"
Driving home from
the theater after seeing Pearl Harbor, I tried, like always,
to figure out what I'd say in my review. I kept coming up with some pretty
good openings, but I lacked middles and endings. So, to best sum up my
thoughts and opinions during Pearl Harbor, I give you my
list of rejected opening lines for this review. Enjoy!
Pearl Harbor, Michael Bay, the director of this movie
and Armageddon, proves that he is to war movies what
Kevin Costner is to apocalyptic visions of the future -- bad at them.
the trite dialogue, predictable plot, and overblown cliches that litter
Pearl Harbor, I never wished for a cerebral hematoma
so much in my entire life.
to Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, war movie style. Starring
Ben Affleck as Steve Martin and featuring that scene with the ship
sinking from Titanic, every part where someone blew
up in Saving Private Ryan, the awkward animal-crackers
make-out scene from Armageddon and, in a weird ten minutes
that had nothing to do with the main characters, Cuba Gooding Jr.'s
Oscar acceptance speech.
been trying to get my four screenplays produced for two years. I read
every good screenplay I can get my hands on, and just for the hell
of it, all the bad ones. Apparently, someone threw every war film
script they could get into a blender, pushed "puree," and taped all
the pieces back together.
heard only five lines of dialogue in this entire movie not plagiarized
from some other war flick. And all five of them suck.
no wonder this movie runs three hours. They shot half of it in slow
is the funniest movie I've seen all year. Which is really sad, because
people tell me it was supposed to be serious.
doubt I was supposed to laugh when the Arizona flipped on its
side. But I could not have been the only one who expected to
hear Kate Winslet among the wounded yelling out, "I won't let go,
need to wash out my brain with Spielberg.
Do you realize that
if I had my three hours and seven bucks back, I could go to Borders, buy
a donut, sit back with a Pearl Harbor book, and learn more than I did
during this lame movie?
Look, I may not be
the most patriotic kid on the block, but I have a lot of respect for war
and veterans of war. If I had no taste whatsoever, this is where I would
make the reference to the seamen from the USS Arizona rolling over
in their graves. But since I do have some taste, do me a favor
-- if you want to find out about Pearl Harbor, read a book.
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