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From the Litterbox
Programming for Cats -- Or Else

 
Marvels and prodigies -- Phileas Fogg (Michael Praed) calls the attention of Passepartout (Michel Courtemanche) to some nefarious doings in The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne. (Image courtesy of the SciFi Channel.)

I'm a reasonable cat. Really I am. My requirements are few. Fresh tuna, a can of kippers now and then, the best chair in the house… I mean, if you think about it, I live a Spartan existence.

I'm not even that picky about the television my person watches. Well, okay, so I tend to hork hairballs during Survivor. What cat of taste wouldn't? Normally though, I sleep through most of the uninteresting junk my person clutters her brain with. One show, however, I make an exception for: The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne.

Now this show is cat-compatible. Take Phileas Fogg for example. The man obviously was a cat in a past life. His voice just makes me purrrrrrrrrr. No nasty screechy voices on this show. And they even provide amusement for cats. My owner kept calling them rocket-powered vampires, but I knew better. Those things zooming around the screen were delicious beetles. Unfortunately, some unusual force field kept me from getting to the little beggars, or I'd have had a tasty late night snack.

Ah yes -- late night and reason for this howl. Excuse me, humans who run the Sci-Fi Channel, but why in the world have you moved my and my person's favorite show to 1 a.m. on Saturdays? Only dog people would do something so stupid.

Waiting up so late for my show tends to make me cranky. Very cranky. You don't want to know what my person's couch looks like right now. By 1 a.m., my person and I should be in bed sleeping, not waiting for yucky stuff like Black Scorpion to get over with. (Black Scorpion -- now there's a dog show if I ever saw one. I bet the mangy hound down the hall wishes he weren't fixed every time that pile of fewmets comes on.)

Bottom line: get your act together, Sci-Fi Channel humans, or I'll have to do something drastic. You don't want me to call on the Society of Cats Rallied Against Totally Crazed Humans. Really you don't. Waking up to find a rat head on your pillow will be the least of your worries.

So that's it. You've got 24 years. Or is that hours? (I always get those human time terms mixed up.) Anyway, you've got until I think you've had long enough to get my show back on at a reasonable time -- say, 9 p.m. on Saturdays. Or else you'll be sleeping in the litterbox.

Oh yeah, put those beetles back on. I bet this time I can catch a few.

Whisper, Noble Calico Cat
(Spelling more or less corrected by Teri Smith)

Click here to read Teri Smith's view of The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne.

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