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R rated, three and one half moon icon
It's official. I, Jennifer Matarese, am a Survivor junkie

Yeah, I know. Not everyone really gets it. It's all a bunch of hype, right? Please don't tell me that on a Thursday night from now until, oh, say, the end of April. 'Cause trust me, it won't be pretty. There may be a need for limb replacement. Just figured I'd warn you.

How do you recognize a true Survivor junkie? One sign is if, in the first fifteen minutes, you pegged Nick as fresh and tasty, Kimmi as future crocodile food (if we really wish hard enough), and Elisabeth as the future Colleen. (She's just so cuuuuuuute.)

Personally, after only two episodes into this new season of Survivor, I'm hooked. Uncontrollably, irreversibly hooked. I may need the Betty Ford Clinic after this season ends.

So what's the competition look like this year?

Debb -- She's gone now, but the memory of her female mullet lives on.

Kel -- He's gone, too. Why, I have no idea. Supposedly, he brought beef jerky with him. Never mind that he would have needed to stick it in a very uncomfortable place to bring it with him. No one said these contestants' elevators ran all the way to the top.

Kimmi -- The most annoying woman on the planet. Spent the entire first night in the outback lamenting her lack of privacy for ... uh ... you know. Personal stuff. And she said it in Vinnie Barbarino's voice.

Tina -- Couldn't eat tripe or a long, icky worm. Just for looking at tripe, she should get some bucks.

Elisabeth -- She's just so cuuuuute. (Sorry, can't emphasize that enough.)

Mitchell -- Five hundred and three feet tall, I swear.

Colby -- A Texan, as evidenced by his Texas flag, his thick drawl, and his constantly mentioning it every chance he gets. But he's cute, so I forgive him.

Jerri -- An aspiring actress -- in other words, a woman with no survival skills whatsoever. But she doesn't know that, so we'll just keep it our little secret.

Maralyn -- Just picture a nicer, female version of Rudy.

Amber -- All I know is she hails from my home state of Pennsylvania, and we never win anything.

Nick -- Um, pardon my drool. But he's cute, and apparently, he doesn't own a shirt.

Keith -- Supposedly, a chef, but so far, he screwed up cooking rice, and Jerri's ability to make a tortilla from flour and water completely amazed him.

Michael -- Brought war paint. Caught fish his second time out ... big ones. Just call him Richard the II.

Alicia -- Boasts bigger muscles than any of the men on the show.

Rodger -- A nice old man with a farm and a Bible. Oh, he is so going down.

Jeff -- Used to be a cheerleader. Threw up his first day there. Looks exactly like the guy who hosts Temptation Island. Coincidence?

Well, my money was on Kel. But he ate grass. So much for my Survivor pool.

Jennifer Matarese

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