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Battlefield Earth: Implausible Assault

  Crescent Blues Movie Views

R rated, three and one half moon iconDixie and Don iconThree moon icon
In the year 3000, a conquered Earth cowers under the control of an evil alien race. For the last 1000 years, most remnants of mankind served as slaves of the alien masters, while others became Neanderthals, living in caves and eating nuts and berries like Yogi Bear. Yuck! Where can you find a jelly sandwich when you really need one?

John Travolta, the evil alien in charge of this futuristic pigsty, thinks there may be gold in them thar hills. And he'll use his favorite tactic -- leverage -- to get it. By hook or crook, he'll buy his way off this godforsaken hellhole before someone realizes how closely it resembles the Planet of the Apes.

In his effort to find the gold, the evil alien master must teach his stupid human slave animals to use complicated Star Wars-looking mining machinery. If this works, he'll be out of there in no time. Piece o'cake, right?

Not so fast, my young gruel grabbers. These stupid human slave animals harbor a few ideas of their own. They dream of kicking some alien butt and taking their planet back. And since they spent the last thousand years squatting around campfires in damp caves and thinking about it, everything should work out OK. Piece o' cake, right?

And since they haven't seen a stalk of grain or a tin of flour in a thousand years, that old cliche "piece o' cake" should still remain firmly implanted in their Neanderthal vocabulary, right? Sure, piece o' cake.

Let the battle begin. In the dark corner we see a superior and highly developed alien race capable of conquering an entire planet in a matter of minutes. Armed to the teeth with every weapon available in the known universe, this alien race cannot be stopped.

In the light corner, we see a handful of ill-equipped monkey-men. Almost overnight they become a highly trained squadron of cavemen in cockpits. Flying highly sophisticated jets, and armed with sticks and stones and an occasional high-explosive missile, they take on their formidable foe.

What follows can only be described as an assault of astronomical and gastronomical proportions. The battle and the movie, both so stupid, ill-conceived, and poorly executed, left me wondering where all the intelligent scriptwriters hid during the production. It also left me wondering where Dixie hid the leftover lasagna. This movie assaulted my intelligence. And the sound level of Dixie's snoring assaulted my eardrums. Please, pardon the grammar -- the badder the movie, the louder the snoring. I give it a C-.

Dixie says: The plot was so gripping and the characters so interesting, I only dozed off three or four times during the movie. I would have slept through the whole thing, except the refrigerator kept door slamming shut. The next time I sleep with John Travolta, I'll use earplugs. I give it a "D" for dumb.

Don & Dixie Mitchell

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