Editor's Note: Crescent Blues regular Jennifer Matarese may
be vacating her reviewer's chair for a little while. For some reason,
a September 8 showing of Highlander: Endgame at a local cineplex
precipitated a small emotional…event. After Jennifer decapitated several
rows of empty seats with a katana assembled from duct-taped plastic nacho
trays, some very nice gentlemen driving a padded N.Y. Coroner's Department
van whisked her away to a private facility at an unspecified site in Connecticut.
Although Jennifer failed to submit her promised review of Highlander:
Endgame, we feel the following letters (found among the few effects
the coroners left behind) speak volumes about the movie.
you even read the scripts you write? Or do you construct them the same
way that terrorists make ransom notes?
Dear Powers That Be
in the Highlander world,
you born that stupid or did it require practice? Was there some ganga
and a lobotomy involved? 'Cause I'm curious.
don't you listen to us?
heard me. Us -- as in, the fans. The people who know their stuff and love
the Highlander universe. You don't listen to what we think
-- if you even cared, you would've given us a Methos: The Series
a looooong time ago. Instead you come out with reprocessed crap like Highlander:
off, you did this plot before on Highlander: the Series.
Duncan (Adrian Paul) and Connor (Christopher Lambert, who wore pancake
batter on his face for this movie) got together to fight a common foe
in the pilot episode.
foe runs a gang of young immortal idiots to do his dirty work -- you did
that one, too. Duncan needs to appease an old significant other he pissed
off -- try every episode!
is weird, because after throwing together a bunch of pre-processed plot
elements, you didn't pay much attention to detail. Hey, geniuses, Duncan
never married. You can't just cover up your stupidity by saying
it's an alternate universe. It doesn't work that way. And you can't make
us fans happy by putting Methos (Peter Wingfield) and Joe (Jim Byrnes)
in the movie for all of six minutes.
can't believe you people. We pay your bills, you know. Really. Because
we watch your show and go to your movie, you get paid. Which means that
if you keep feeding us this crap, you don't get paid.
want Methos. We want him now. We do not want some ex-model with
a bad haircut or some lame villain whose idea of smart decorating is a
white room where he can decapitate people.
needs his own show. Give it to him, and you might actually be able to
feed your kids next year.
Dear Peter Wingfield,
working on it, I swear. See? Another crappy movie like this, and I'm sending
the IRS after the writers. You in on it? If it's half as much fun as I
think it'll be, we can follow it up with some Strip-O-Grams and bags of
burning dog crap on their porches.
Dear rabid Highlander
fans who actually liked Highlander: Endgame,
make me hit you.
Dear Christopher Lambert,
Dear Adrian Paul,
a better toupee. I'm begging here.
chewing scenery. It's bad for the digestive track.
letting a four-year-old cut your hair.
Oh, and I almost
Dear Bleached Blonde
your goatee into funny shapes does not make you a Backstreet Boy. Sorry,
but it doesn't.
here to share your