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Okay, I'll be honest -- I only went to see Battlefield Earth for the previews. Maaaaan, I can't wait to see The Perfect Storm. But I gotta admit, Battlefield Earth is the funniest movie I've seen all year long.  

What happens? Aliens conquer the Earth. Mankind becomes an endangered species and decides to take back their planet. Whoop-de-doo. Like I care. 

My advice: only go if you don't plan to take it seriously, and your two robot friends join you on the Satellite of Love as part of an evil scientist's plan. I did, however, learn quite a few things about the future during this movie. For example: 

  • Aliens like Mountain Dew (r) too.  
  • Human beings live in caves and grunt a lot. However, they know how to shave both faces (for guys) and armpits (for women). They also enjoy access to toothpaste, fillings for cavities and teeth-bleaching agents.  
  • Aliens, while able to find underground gold veins with satellite photography, cannot find bar-shaped gold in Fort Knox.  
  • In the present, John Travolta is scary because he's puffy. In the future, he will be scary because he'll be tall.  
  • If you print the Declaration of Independence on a piece of paper, that paper will not disintegrate in a thousand years. It will also pass that same ability to all of the books surrounding it.  
  • We build our skyscrapers to withstand earthquakes and the occasional terrorist bomb, and the worst an alien attack will do to them is blow out their windows.  
  • An alien is extremely sensitive to radiation. However, if you blow its arm off with a bomb, it won't feel a thing.  
  • After a thousand years, Harrier jets, machine guns, and atomic weaponry will still work perfectly.  
  • Less than seven days' worth of study on a flight simulator is enough to qualify you to fly a Harrier jet.  
  • To get to the gold in Fort Knox, simply knock on the front door and ask to use the bathroom. When you get inside that first door, the gold will be right there.  
  • Man qualifies as an endangered animal, but cows and horses infest the joint like rats.  
  • While men now believe in gods and demons and can barely fight with anything outside of rocks and sticks, they still know how to rappel like Army guys.  
  • When humans grunt, they're stupid. When aliens grunt, it's intelligent conversation.  
  • An alien whose race vanquished the entire human species in nine minutes actually believes that starving humans stumbling through the wilderness will search out their favorite food to eat instead of eating the first edible creature to come along.  
  • A human being can survive in the Rocky Mountains for three days without food and wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt and a pair of leather pants.

Jennifer Matarese

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