|It's My Oscar And I'll Pick Who I Want To|
It's about that time of year again... time to see handsome movie stars walk down the red carpet, to find out the best of filmmaking from the previous year. Time to listen to Joan Rivers pick on the clothes that other people are wearing, all the while wearing the most gawdawful dress imaginable.
That's right, it's Oscar time, and since they let me spout off my views and opinions about movies without any verification about whether or not I'm the least bit qualified, I am more than happy to do so in this capacity. So here we go -- who got nominated, who's going to win, and who should win...
No one saw Sweet and Lowdown, so Morton's out. Everyone was too busy being scared by that little bratty kid, so Collette's gone. If they can't bother to show the right person when they announce Catherine Keener's name at the Golden Globes, she won't win.
Which leaves Angelina Jolie (I'd make a remark about her lips, but it's been done, so would someone please explain to me why she always has to play a slut, a psychotic or a psychotic slut?) and Chloe Sevigny (whom I've never liked simply because her eyes always look like they've fallen asleep while the rest of her is still standing). My guess? Angelina Jolie, just because it's a state law in California that as long as she's nominated for something, she has to get the award. That's how she got to be homecoming king in high school.
I figure that I am about halfway dead and gone to heaven. Let's see, when this category comes around Oscar night, I'll have Jude Law in a tux, Tom Cruise in a tux (hopefully, this time, he'll wash his hair). Heck, even Michael Clarke Duncan is kinda cute, and he looks extraordinarily fine in a tux. Sigh.
Who's going to win? Beats me. Anybody in this category stands a good chance of winning, and Tom Cruise did win the Golden Globe. But if I were voting, I'd eliminate him simply because after watching Magnolia, nothing, and I mean nothing, in those tighty-whities could possibly have been real. I'm sorry, but Tom's a short guy, and whatever was in there was taller than he was.
Michael Caine's been in every movie ever made, so he's out. Haley Joel Osment's, like, what? Five? Six? Unless he was Anna Paquin in a past life, he's not going to win. Which leaves Michael Clarke Duncan and Jude Law to pick from ... hmm, big, black and beautiful or gorgeous British hunk. Um, can't I pick both? Yeah, I like that idea. They both win. Now, if you'll excuse us, me and the boys will be off -- what do you mean, I have to finish the article? Aw, maaaaan...
Meryl Streep again? Give me a break. She's a good actress and all, but she could do a Mentos commercial and get nominated for an Oscar. Just for that, Julianne Moore wins. So there. No one'll see that coming.
Jim Carrey wins. I don't care if he wasn't nominated. He wins. It's my awards show and I can do what I want and the stupid Academy can take their stupid award and shove it up their aaaaaaaa....
Oh, you're here. Um, I pick Denzel. Great acting. Good abs. Perfect face. Great impression of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, as opposed to some people, who do wonderful, dead-on impressions (also known as acting), and don't get nominated. Sheesh!
I'm sorry, but I had to put this in here. "Blame Canada" from the South Park movie? Oh, that wins. That sooooo wins. Can anyone else just imagine what the stuffy Academy is going to think when Cartman's mother sings that her son now tells her to "go f*** herself?" Just picture me breaking down into serious giggles right about now.
Um, I pick Being John Malkovich. Yeah, that's the ticket. I said it before and I'll say it again -- it's my awards show and I'll do what I want.
OK, fine, I'll pick from the list. Toy Story 2 was wicked cool, so it gets to... what do you mean, that's not on the list either? Well, what is? The Cider House Rules? The Green Mile? Ha, I knew it! This proves that the entire Academy is on drugs! Okay, so those two weren't that bad, but they weren't worthy of an Oscar.
The Cider House Rules had Michael Caine in it (never a good sign), and The Green Mile actually made some cash at the box office (half of the reason the Oscars are put on is to make those people who made movies that didn't make any money feel better). Come to think of it, that rules out The Sixth Sense too. The Insider? No, man, Christopher Plummer creeps me out.
This is where we get to the part where I expound on how good American Beauty was, right? Um, nope, sorry. I loved the movie and think it'll win, but see, I've got Michael Clarke Duncan, Jude Law and Tom Cruise waiting over in the corner, and we're going out to buy a whole bunch of chocolate sauce. (OK, yeah, I know I said the tighty-whities were stuffed, but hey, Tom makes for very nice decoration.)
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