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Revelation struck me today. I realized just how much I hate Milla Jovovich. 

Okay, so she's gorgeous. I'll admit, I'd give away any of the appendages I'm not using right now to look like her. And being an ex-model, she's probably got tons of money, so I wouldn't mind having her bank account, either. But her acting ability? What acting ability? You know what she did throughout the two hours and nine minutes of The Messenger? Milla twitched. Milla flinched. Milla blinked. Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh

Now, I'll bet you ten bucks that The Messenger -- which is the story of Joan of Arc, so a plot description is pretty much a waste of words -- would have been one of the best movies of the year if they shoved Cate Blanchett or, heck, even Gwyneth Paltrow into the title role. But letting Milla play the part is like… is like… Well, let me put it this way, realistically speaking, Milla would have to stretch to play a game show hostess.

Jeez, when are directors going to stop putting their girlfriends in their movies? The only one who ever really did that and managed to get it to work was Woody Allen. And since he went on to marry his own daughter (well, sort of), I think we can take him out of the running simply on the perv factor. 

In any event, two things salvage The Messenger. The wickedly disgusting battle scenes proved as funny as they were stomach-turning. And the funky imagery with flowers and blood and stuff that should appeal to everyone who's ever stared blankly at MTV for more than three hours, because they were too lazy to get up and search for the remote. (Hey, quit looking at me like that. I sprained my ankle the week before, and I was fragile.) 

My biggest problem with the movie was the fact that there I was, sitting through this life story of a martyred girl who heard voices from God and led the French to victory in battle something like 550 years ago, and I laughed through the whole movie. Not because the movie was bad or anything, but because every other line, smirk, expression, movement, order, battle cry, twitch, flinch, or blink from Milla struck me as hysterically ridiculous.  

And I won't even discuss the dismemberment scenes, because I had a meatball sandwich about an hour ago, and hey, I didn't like the taste of it much the first time around. I should have just shipped it off to Milla. That girl looks like she needs a meal. A BIG one -- preferably all fat. 

Jennifer Matarese

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