My mother makes the best apple pie imaginable, and I will probably never be able to eat it again. 

Why, you ask? To which I respond, exactly what are the coordinates of the planet whereon lies the rock under which you've been living? 

I blame American Pie for my newfound distaste for baked goods. It's one thing to see someone moaning about an apple pie because it tastes so good. It's another thing to see that same someone and the apple pie smoking a cigarette afterwards. 

Aside from the fact that the next time my mom makes apple pie, I won't be able to have any, and she'll cry, American Pie was one of the funniest movies I've seen all year. Basically, four guy friends make a pact to lose their virginity before the end of the school year. This means that with prom night three weeks away, they've got a lot of work to do. 

The palms of the main guy, Jim (Jason Biggs) need a good dose of Nair™, if you catch my drift. Jim just can't talk to girls, although one exchange student/brunette bombshell (Shannon Elizabeth) seems to want to do a little more than talk to him -- like make him dance like an idiot to bad disco. Not only that, but his solo performances earn him a series of increasingly embarrassing sex talks with his dopey dad (Eugene Levy, a laugh riot). 

Then there're the other losers -- I mean, lucky contestants. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is the "biggest" geek of the bunch, or so go the rumors. Oz (Chris Klein) tries to be Mr. Sensitive by watching a lot of Martha Stewart and joining the jazz choir. Joining jazz choir means you're a sensitive guy? Sheesh, in my school, the biggest players in school were in the choir. And creative writing -- which really makes me wish I'd spent more time in that class doing something other than writing. 

Oh, yeah, Thomas Ian Nicholas, who really needs a last name, plays Kevin. Kevin's girlfriend keeps making him happy, but he just can't seem to get her happy -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Comprende? 

First off, this movie is absolutely revolting, but in a good way. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard over a love scene involving a floury confection in my life. And before I go any further, let me just say that Alyson Hannigan, who plays Willow on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a dweeb who can talk about nothing but band camp in American Pie, is about to set up a lot of 12-year-olds for some steamy daydreams. Oh, and Alyson, you don't hold a flute vertically, it's held horizontally. (That was my first clue that something was sick and twisted about that girl.) 

So, go see American Pie. And remember, don't even think about eating dessert before you leave the house -- not even coffee cake. And especially not those ugly Dunkin Donuts ™ with the knobs. 

Jennifer Matarese

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