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There are only three things in life that we can be sure of: we'll pay taxes, we'll die sooner or later, and Keanu Reeves can't act. I'm pretty sure that they teach that last rule of life in kindergarten now. First, they drill it into your head that Keanu is just a pretty face that the camera eats up with a spoon, and then, to prove it, they show you Johnny Mnemonic.  


The Matrix: Complicated Web

Great as Keanu Reeves looks in leather and black and wrap-around shades (and he does look fine), it is possible...

Joan Fuchsman

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So anyway, I'm starting to think that I was... Oh, this is painful. I was ruh... I was wronnn... I was wrong. Ack! Ow! Yeouchie! That hurt. I mean, that was really, really painful. I might have to have a major internal organ removed. 

Okay, granted, Keanu's character in The Matrix, Neo, isn't exactly an emotional kegger. But come on, the guy can duck bullets, and he's dating a chick who's always dressed in rubber. And hey, let's not forget that all-important characteristic that makes a role great -- Neo can get cable through a plug in the back of his head! 

I'd love to explain what the plot is. Honest. There's just one small problem. There's a 500-word cap on this review, and I think that would just about cover a vivid description of Keanu's knee-rattling eyes. After that, you people would be on your own. 

So here goes the Reader's Digest condensed version. Boy meets girl. Girl tells boy that he -- along with everybody else on the planet -- is being used as an Energizer ™ battery by the artificial intelligence that's running Earth and that their world is really an elaborate computer program. Boy proceeds to beat the crud out of everybody and everyone. 

And you thought that Hollywood had run out of good ideas. (Then again, wasn't this the original plot of Romeo and Juliet?) 

The main draw in The Matrix, though, is the special effects. I mean, let's be honest -- Keanu was acting! I mean, he was actually using his face for something other than a coat rack! On occasion, you got the impression that he might be thinking about possibly letting a little bit of emotion loose on his face. Just for that, they might as well just give the special effects guys on this boat an Oscar right now. 

Oh, yeah, and then there were all those special effects they tossed into every fight scene. Kung fu, semi-automatic weapons, shooting at each other with rubber bands -- you name it. There was some weaselly little nerd sitting in a cold, damp basement with the latest in computer technology and every episode of Baywatch on tape making every fight that much more wicked. People running on walls as they knocked the bad guys into next Thursday, Keanu stopping bullets with a wave of his hand, and did I mention that Keanu was acting?! 

I'm sorry, I just don't think I'll ever get over that. Keanu Reeves -- an actor. Now, there's a new concept. 

Jennifer Matarese

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