|The Rage: Carrie II|
I heard they were making a sequel to Carrie, and I thought, "I wonder what the dry weight of the Madagascar fruit tree bat really is." Because let's face it, it's not a Carrie movie unless you take Sissy Spacek, douse her in pig's blood, kill her date and set her on fire.
What you've got in this movie is almost exactly the same as the original, except almost everybody from the original is dead. The only one left is Sue Snell (Amy Irving), who went to guidance counselor school and is now wearing really bad hair in the new high school. Enter Rachel Lang (Emily Bergl), the school misfit. Her mother's loonier than a fruitcake, no one likes her, and sometimes she makes doors slam from the other side of the county. Gee, I wonder who she reminds me of... wait, don't tell me...
Along comes this band of football players, including cute, sweet Jesse (Jason London). They have a sex game going -- sleep with girls, dump them, and get points for each one. When Jesse falls for uncool Rachel, they make their move to annihilate her. (Again proving my theory that all popular people are devil spawn.)
As in the original, everything culminates in the big party following the most important football game of the year, where Rachel finds out about the sex game. If you like seeing people get decapitated by compact discs and a guy getting his... uh... frank and beans... um.… Well, maybe I shouldn't tell you what happens to that guy. But if you like gore, this is where the fun begins. You know, the fun that involves lots of fake blood and spears through people's heads.
Then there's the rest of us, the ones who think that the scariest thing imaginable is Sissy Spacek in a blood-soaked white dress. (Well, that, and the thought of Linda Tripp in a tube top.) Are you going to be scared by The Rage: Carrie II? Let me put it this way, the preview for The Haunting of Hill House before the Carrie II will probably give me more nightmares than all of Carrie II. (Haunting movie looks as if the preview alone should have one of those signs on it like they have on roller coasters -- the ones telling those with heart conditions to keep away.)
If you want to be scared, go to the video store and rent original Carrie again. No! Wait, I've got a better idea! If you really want to be scared, find a channel that shows Bruce Willis movies 24 hours a day. Now, that's a frightening thought.
Mom! I think I need therapy again!
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