|Wing Commander: Freddie Aims Low|
What? What are you babbling about? Leonardo DiCaprio? Oh, please... any talent that he might possess is being drained by the legions of 14-year-old leeches sucking away at his ankles. (Not that I wouldn't mind sucking on his ankles. I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?) Edward Norton? If he's old enough to get nominated for a Best Actor Oscar, he's not young anymore.
Freddie Prinze, Jr.? Sigh. Look, I'm making some cocoa, grabbing my binky and heading up to my bedroom.
I'll admit it, I'm a huge Freddie fan. Just thinking of the guy gives me that hot, syrupy feeling in my tummy. So, I was going to go see The Deep End of the Ocean tonight, but as I was standing in line at the theater, there was that poster for Wing Commander. And there were those big, brown, Freddie eyes, saying, "Come on, Jennifer. You know you want to see me, for two hours, playing the hero, occasionally pouting, in uniform..."
Aw, maaaaan... I have absolutely no backbone. I should be in a sideshow.
Anyway, Freddie plays Christopher Blair, a lieutenant in the future, fighting a war with aliens that look like Toonces the Cat gone terribly, terribly wrong. Blair's a really good pilot, but he gets a lot of flak because his mother was a Pilgrim. No, not the weirdos with the buckle shoes and Thanksgiving dinner -- the first space explorers with a gift for sensing things in space, like radiation, electromagnetic fields and all those missing socks you lose in the clothes dryer.
The aliens attack Earth, and the good guys have to chase after and beat them before the Toonces clones turn Earth into a paradise of kitty litter boxes and sacks of catnip.
That's the plot.
The graphics rock, though. And I loved the flirting between Blair's friend Maniac (Matthew Lillard) and the daredevil pilot on their team (Ginny Holder), not to mention Blair and Maniac's secretive boss (Tcheky Karyo). But face it, Wing Commander is another movie based on a video game.
Excuse me, Hollywood people? You do know that they make ideas for video games into video games, because they would suck as movies, right? Right?
The dialogue was so cheesy sometimes that the entire theater smelled of Eau du Velveeta. And the acting! As much as I like Freddie, and for all the talent I know that he has (I'm guessing in a box in the back of his closet), you don't want to get me started about the acting.
But Freddie's like Ryan Phillippe or Ewan MacGregor. As long as Freddie pouts, Ewan talks in that delicious accent or Ryan Phillippe shows me any part of his body that might get him arrested if he showed it to me in public, I'll fork over my seven bucks.
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