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Simply Irresistible: Simply Wimp

 


It's official. Movie people are gluttons for punishment. 

Why? Okay, here's the thing... I'm sitting around my house, simply resisting the urge to put on that bright pink wig and top hat from Halloween and go for a walk down Main Street, when I simply had to go to the movies. So I simply got into my car, drove to Scranton, and saw simply the most regurgitating, revolting, reviled... 

*Sarcasm alert! Sarcasm alert!* 

Argh! What ever possessed me to pick up a sarcasm detector? 

So anyway, are you getting the picture here? Like I said, gluttons for punishment. They did the same thing for Can't Hardly Wait, which I couldn't hardly wait to use as a target for skeet shooting practice. (Not that I skeet shoot, but there's this guy who lives behind us, and I think that I could have a pretty clear shot at his head from my bedroom window.) 

My biggest problem with Simply Irresistible is that Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't kick any keister. I'm sorry, but I'm a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, and darn it, if you put Sarah in a movie, then she'd better open a six-pack of whoop-ass on everyone. Love interests, nuns, elderly people, small children, midgets, helpless kittens... Everyone! 

But nooooooo. Amanda Shelton (Gellar) can't cook. She burns salads, there's too many rutabagas in her apple pie recipe. And correct me if I'm wrong, but if you order frog's legs, you should get just the legs, right? So naturally, her mother's restaurant, where Amanda works as a cook, is going bankrupt. (Makes you wonder why she didn't become a rocket scientist, doesn't it?)  

*Sarcasm alert! Sarcasm alert!*  

Enter department store executive Tom Bartlett (Sean Patrick Flannery) and a magic crab. Yes, you heard me right -- a magic crab. Does anybody else think that the writer of this movie himself had a little too much magic crab in the Sixties? 

Suddenly, Amanda's a fabulous cook. Which is great, because aside from the charm, wit, intelligence, perfect body, pretty face, amazing hair and that spring wardrobe she stole from Todd Oldham, she has absolutely nothing to offer a man. 

Do she and Tom fall in love? No, they break it off because they can't stop fighting about who was the better Darren: Dick York or Dick Sargent.  

*Sarcasm alert! Sarcasm alert!* 

Sheesh, I've got to turn that thing off... 

Okay, let's give credit where credit is due. Um... um... man, was that wardrobe nice. I mean, wow... I don't think I've ever seen clothes that... um... festive. Yeah, that's it: festive. Now, there's a word that doesn't get used enough these days. You know, like "Clinton" and "impeachment." They should use those words more often.  

*Sarcasm alert! Sarcasm alert!* 

Oh, for crying out loud... 

Thunk 

*Bzzzzzzzzzzzz* 

See? I told you that copy of Can't Hardly Wait would come in handy!  

Jennifer Matarese

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