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Okay, men, sit in a circle around me and I'll tell you a story. A story about sex, a story about more sex, a story about Sarah Michelle Gellar dressing in slutwear for the Nineties and kissing another girl... 

Cruel Intentions:
Surprisingly Successful

Teenified and brought into the Nineties, Roger Kumble's Cruel Intentions presents a surprisingly...

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[Reviewer covers her head to protect herself as all the men in the room rush out to watch Cruel Intentions.] 

Sheesh, you all have one-track minds!

Ladies, I guess it's just us now. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you can kinda see Ryan Phillippe's abs. All right, so they're right on top of Reese Witherspoon's abs at the time, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. And if that doesn't make you happy, then the shot of his bare rear -

[Reviewer gets knocked over as all the women in the room rush the door.]

Aw, come on! Did I happen to mention that it was a terrible movie? Faboo soundtrack, but an awful movie.

It's Dangerous Liaisons, but it's 1999, and it's New York City, and there's rich prep school kids in it. That explains the story to those of you who stayed awake during Dangerous Liaisons. For those of you who didn't, this is the part where I tell you the plot. Then again, I'm supposed to keep this review under 500 words. 

Sex.

There. Done. That's the plot. 

Sigh  

Fine, I'll elaborate. Gellar plays Kathryn, a snotty, rich coke addict who makes a bet with her stepbrother, Sebastian (Phillippe). If Sebastian can bag Annette (Witherspoon), a virgin (we're supposed to assume that there's actually one left on this planet), then he gets one night with Kathryn. If not, Kathryn wins his gorgeous sports car. While he's trying to do that, Kathryn asks a favor of him - ruin Cecile (Selma Blair, playing a geeky innocent to the hilt), Kathryn's ex-boyfriend's soon-to-be new squeeze.  

So, all of these plots and subplots head directly toward one another until you've got Sebastian falling for Annette, Kathryn trying to ruin everybody, and me sitting in my seat in the theater looking into my bag of popcorn, thinking, "I wonder why all those bratty little kids keep taunting the bunny with Trix and then don't share it with him. Dang it, but that's just evil." 

Should you go see this movie? Oh, come on. You could be watching Shakespeare in Love or Life is Beautiful or heck, Weekend at Bernie's, but you'd rather see Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ryan Phillippe half-naked? 

Okay, ask a stupid question... 

Jennifer Matarese

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