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The Waterboy Scores Mondo Laughs


I need to be punished. A lot. Preferably for weeks on end. I think being forced to watch the Teletubbies into the next millennia might teach me a good lesson.

Why? Well... I, um... I kinda, sorta, in a way, a little bit liked The Waterboy.

All right, I can see why you might feel the need to hold the crucifix up to the computer screen, but is the holy water really necessary? I mean, just because I liked an Adam Sandler movie --

Hey, do you mind? That last splash of water went in my eye!

In The Waterboy, Adam Sandler spends two hours playing a lovable dope. In all honesty, this is all he plays, considering that he is a lovable dope and his acting muscles have the consistency of wet cardboard. He's a 31-year-old guy who lives to give water to sweaty football players. Or sweaty wrestlers. Or any sweaty athlete that happens to be lying around. He'd love to play, but his dear, sweet Mama (Kathy Bates) has told him that she doesn't want him playing any "foosball."

One day, he gets picked on one too many times and proceeds to sack the quarterback. A lot. The looney football coach (Henry Winkler) decides he can't live without the lovable dope on his team, and soon the loser team is racking up mondo numbers in the win column.

So, it's ye olde standard football movie formula. It's got barbecued alligators and... um... fried snake and... uh... the Fonz with a tattoo of Roy Orbison on his keister! You must see this movie! It's a moral imperative! You have to get Kent back for --

Oh, whoa... Real Genius moment.

Why go see it? Okay, you remember Misery? Well, Kathy Bates is scarier in The Waterboy than she was in Misery. I'm serious! Or maybe I'm just afraid of her because she went out in the bayou, caught the biggest honking snake I've ever seen, then fried the durn thing. I don't care who she hobbled in that other movie. In The Waterboy, she fought Anaconda and won!

What else? Well, there's always the love interest, Vicky Valencourt (Fairuza Balk). You could watch her for no other reason than to figure out why in the name of all that can be made into smooshy cookies would she want The Waterboy. I can't see anyone getting so hung up on a guy -- sweet as he is -- that she would offer to kill his professors for him. Maim them slightly, maybe, but not kill them.

Oh, yeah, and Colonel Sanders teaches biology! Why?! Have you all been going to Kentucky Fried Chicken like good boys and girls? Because I'm telling you, that guy was a terrible biology teacher. He needs to get back to being the scourge of chickendom.

So, you know, like, go see the movie and stuff. Because it's got a mule in the living room. And... um... Fonzie's butt. Yeah. Okay. That sounds good to me.

Jennifer Matarese

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