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Beware the Gorton's Fisherman

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer


Hi there. Jennifer can't come to the computer right now to write her review for I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. As soon as she got back from the movies, she collapsed into a fit of hysterical giggles the likes of which have never been witnessed in human history. I'm her beanie monkey, Professor Bobo, and I'll be writing her review.

Gimme a second here... uh, Jenn, how was the movie?

(The sound of uncontrollable laughter can be heard in the background.)

Oh. That bad, huh? Um... notes. I know she takes notes at these things, I've seen her burning piles of them in her Saturday night rituals.

Wait, here they are. Let's see... well, according to this, she's afraid of the Gorton's Fisherman. Jeez. A lot of these notes are just the same phrase repeated over and over again: "All fish sticks and no land in sight makes the Gorton's Fisherman chase after everybody in the Brandy and Monica video with a giant hook."

Uh... yeah.

(The laughter in the background tapers off for a split second.)

Hey, it looks like she might be able to review the movie now. Jenn, what'd you think of the movie?

(The laughter starts up again.)

I've got to stop asking that question.

Hmm... Well, the notes say that the murderer from the first movie comes back for revenge on Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt). Oh, shock of shocks. Wait a second, where's the rest of the plot?

The remaining notes are a little hard to make out: "Jennifer Love Hewitt sings so much better than Brandy... Anyone who couldn't figure out who the killer in the first five minutes has been on a regular diet of brain tumors and anuerysms for weeks... I'm about as scared of this movie as I was when I watched an update of the New Kids on the Block on VH-1 and actually found one of them cute... I wonder which was more expensive -- the special effects and make-up budget or Brandy's wardrobe? The world may never know..."

Okay, this is not helping at all. My guess is that she found the movie revoltingly stupid, and that it drove her to madness. I've certainly never seen her act like this. Well, unless you count that time that she ate an entire two-pound bag of caramels and spent the whole night teaching her stuffed animals the Time Warp. Jenn? Jenn, are you okay?

(A strained voice yells, "Ryan Phillipe... no abs... Had to listen to Jennifer Love Hewitt do karaoke... I've lost all trust in the Gorton's fisherman," before collapsing again in laughter.)

Would you excuse me?

(A bloodcurdling scream pierces the air as Professor Bobo douses Jennifer with cold water, and she passes out.)

Oh, cool! Now I can dig through her pockets for loose change!

Jennifer Matarese

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