MEMORANDUM FOR S. CLAUS
SUBJECT: Christmas List
In accordance with your request for assistance from the Crescent Blues staff, we have once again polled several mail lists and information systems (IS) personnel working at a large hospital in San Antonio, Texas. Response to the queries has been overwhelming.
First, your question "Have you been naughty or nice?"
As expected, 98 percent of respondents insisted they were nice. You should be sure and put something especially good under the tree for Francine S. since she told us, "I haven't turned anyone into a toad this year so I guess that qualifies as nice."
(Internal Crescent Blues note: Negotiate with Francine about eliminating competition.)
And you might want to make Rebecca V.'s visit a more personal one. She said, "When I'm nice, I'm nice... but when I'm naughty... I'm, er... even nicer?" After all, it's been a long, cold winter up there at the North Pole. Walk in with a new desk and graphics software, and we guarantee you'll have an evening you won't forget.
One other addendum to the nice list: Rohan P., IS employee, told us, "I'd love to see my wife get a new Cadillac for Christmas." Whatta guy. Not to mention a smart one. You foot the bill and he gets the kudos.
Now onto the naughty category. We had a few respondents who quibbled on this answer, which leads us to believe they definitely were naughty. Maria equivocated to us, "Define naughty."
An obviously guilty Theresa M. said, "What's your definition of naughty? I haven't killed anyone, at least no one I can be blamed for. I've kept my hands off of married men -- ummm, let me rephrase that, I did fondle a few playfully, but that was as far as it went. And I didn't get arrested… Do I qualify for nice?
On second thought, you might want to make a longer stop at Theresa's house too. We'd suggest a winning lottery ticket and brand new computer. She'll certainly be most… grateful.
The rest of the naughty bunch was much more blatant. "Damn straight I've been naughty," Pat M., another IS employee, openly boasted. "Now tell the fat guy to bring me a whip for Christmas."
Standing next to him, fellow technician and Hells Angel wannabe, Clark M. declared. "Yes, I've been naughty. And if Santa brings me a Harley Davidson, I can guarantee I'm going to be even more naughty."
Since the interviewer was much too scared to ask these guys what they wanted the whip and motorcycle for, Crescent Blues is leaving this one up to you. We do wish you lots of luck when you deliver. And failing that, we hope the reindeer are fully trained in evasive maneuvers.
Your question, "What do you want for Christmas?" garnered the usual requests for money, top-of-the-line computers, expensive cars, visits from handsome actors and actresses (usually wearing a smile and little else), and household appliances.
Ninety-nine percent of authors polled wished for a good agent and/or their manuscripts being sold. We sincerely hope that your contacts with the publishing industry are good this year.
Interestingly enough, only one of the IS personnel wished for computer equipment. Jake S. wished for a box of condoms. Exactly what do these IS people do on their office visits? On second thought, Crescent Blues doesn't really want to know.
In closing, we here at Crescent Blues hope that we've been helpful in our research for S. Claus Enterprises. As agreed, we will be expecting the usual stipend under the tree. Please don't forget the senior editor's "sparklies," the senior gargoyle's bats (or spiders -- she's not picky) and the art director's cat's mice and caviar. (What can we say? He's one of our best reviewers.)
And, yes, oh yes, for the assistant editor who's been as good as she can manage, that certain actor with the smile…