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You can tell I haven't had a date in a long time. And no, it doesn't involve cutting me in half and counting the rings since my last date. It's because -- does anyone want to do the honors of holding back the guys in the white coats? Okay... it's because... well... I'm sort of in love with a caterpillar.

If it makes you feel any better, ours is a forbidden love. Because, well, he's a cartoon character, and that makes for some pretty weird kids.

I'm talking about Heimlich, that fat green caterpillar in A Bug's Life. He has got to be the most adorable character to come out of Disney since I sent a dozen roses and a box of chocolates to the monkey in Aladdin.

A Bug's Life is this cute little movie about slavery, cowardice and greed. Or you could say that it's this hard-hitting thriller about how these teeny-weeny ants and circus bugs scare off a bunch of grasshoppers. Either way, it's a heck of a lot funnier than Antz.

Flit (the voice of Dave Foley), an inventive ant, helps the rest of the colony prepare an offering for a crowd of greedy grasshoppers. And of course, being the hero, he does something totally stupid to screw up the offering. To make up for what he did wrong, Flit enlists the help of some out-of-work circus bugs (including my darling Heimlich) to help defeat the grasshoppers.

Well, you know they're going to beat the grasshoppers before you even open the newspaper to check showtimes for the movie. Come on, it's Disney. In a Disney world, everyone is happy and there are no sad endings and animals and vegetation have a terrible habit of talking. (Which proves my point that everyone at Disney is on some sort of drug that the rest of us have yet to discover.)

But you're not going for surprises, dang it. You're going for those ooky, kooky credits. For heaven's sake, do not leave during the ending credits! I haven't laughed as hard as I did during the end credits since my little brother stole my favorite pencil and I shaved his cat as revenge. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Jennifer Matarese

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