Hello, and welcome to "How to Make a Good Horror Movie 101." You may also have selected this class under the alternate title, "How to Keep From Making Another Urban Legend."

Today, we will begin our lecture with the definite DON'Ts of horror movie making.

DON'T

-- Presume that there is actually some backwoods college campus in America where everybody -- and I mean everybody -- owns the same ugly-ass navy blue, fur-trimmed parka that your killer owns.

-- Make all of your victims/heroes impossibly gorgeous. Even Scream had a geek.

-- Forget that the killer always survives the first offing. That means that should the killer be shoved out a window or shot, you might want to have your heroes check on the killer before happily scampering off into the ever after. They should give him/her at least a second thought. Or a third. Or a fourth. Or continuous thoughts for the rest of their lives.

-- Hire a well-known horror movie actor to be in your movie, and then only use him to hide an ax -- and that ugly parka -- in his Hidden Closet of Doom.

And what should you DO?

-- Microwave a dog.

-- Run some old guy over with a car and then drag him over the "Severe Tire Damage" thingies.

-- Have a scene with a roommate from hell having sex with "Mr. Goth 1998."

-- Decapitate Natalie Woods' daughter. And while you're at it, have her lip-synch (badly) to "Bright Eyes" before being slaughtered.

-- Completely waste that urban legend about the gerbil up the rear.

And for God's sake, always remember hire TV stars from popular teenage prime time soaps, and accidentally play their theme song in the character's car.

Jailbait chicks dig that.

Jennifer Matarese

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