As I write this, it's been about seven hours and eleven minutes since I saw 54. And I can quite honestly say that I remember about five minutes of it.

I remember all of the trailers, though. Urban Legends looked good. Horror flick, sort of like Scream, but with urban legends instead of horror movies. You get the idea. It had that dark-haired guy from Dawson's Creek in it, and he looked hot. (In other words, dollars to donuts says he's the killer.)

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be reviewing 54. Well, it certainly looked like the 70s. (Although, how would I know? I was a fetus at the time.) There were lots of sequins and weird color choices in people's wardrobes and some bad-ass hairdos. But the best hairdo in the movie belongs to Ryan Phillippe in the final scene, and by then, it's the 80s, which says something. I'm just not sure what.

So, what did I remember? I saw the Rapping Grandma! You know, that old lady in The Wedding Singer who was singing "Rapper's Delight." In this movie, she's an 80-year-old disco queen with a drug problem. Now, damn it, why couldn't they have done a movie about that?

Okay, so what else so I remember? A lot of Ryan Phillippe. Not that I'm complaining. Far from it. In nearly all of his scenes, he was either naked from the waist up or wearing shorts/pants so tight, they practically screamed, "No, I don't plan on having children." So he was a troglodyte. You could wash laundry on that man's abdominal muscles. I have absolutely no shame in admitting that I'm glad I wasted that $4.50, if only because of my abdominal muscle fixation.

Oh, and don't worry, guys. There are lots of naked women. Salma Hayek doesn't own a single piece of loose clothing in this movie, and as usual, Neve Campbell spends two hours looking like she's about to cry. Feel free just to go for the eye candy. That's the only reason I might go again. Ryan Phillippe's bare rear end is worth another five, ten... oh, hell... fifty or sixty bucks of my money. (Yes, I'm a female chauvinist pig. Ask my friends. They'll vouch for me.)

Was there anything else I remember? Yeah... Mike Myers doing drama! It's weird and shudder-worthy, but it works. For his first completely and totally dramatic dramatic role, he picks a drugged-up, gay, money-laundering nightclub owner. Fine, go for the gusto. Like I said, it worked.

Thinking of the way he hit on everything and anything in tight shorts will probably give me nightmares, but I think my dad's cousin is a psychiatrist, so I'm cool.

Jennifer Matarese

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